Sometimes as a mom you can’t help but to match your toddler’s energy and get overwhelmed, overstimulated and easily irritable–it really be like this some days and that’s the truth I’m not afraid to share because we are HUMAN. Either I am not emotionally intelligent as much as I thought I was or I’m just desperate for sleep and an hour of uninterrupted quiet time … .I will settle for 10 minutes and a good home made iced coffee.
And just making that statement above has mom guilt as I write it. I think mom guilt plays too much in places where it REALLY has no business being there.
Being a stay at home mom in my life consists of being with my son 24/7. Not having a village means not having sitters or help. Not to mention my baby boy co-sleeps and breastfeeds.
Breastfeeding is the biggest journey in motherhood I have endured. It’s so beautiful with so many health benefits for the mom and baby. However, it takes a lot of strength and sacrifice to have to break that bond.
Tonight is the first night of that journey. I have to say the guilt is settling so deep and heavy because breastfeeding becomes more than just food for our babies. It becomes comfort, closeness, routine, reassurance and identity all wrapped together. Surprisingly, I think my son handled today so much better than me.
The big question I bet you’re wondering is how. How am I breast weaning? Nipple covers…..Nude nipple covers I stumbled upon in my bra drawer after trying to search for large band-aids all to realize I ran out. The answer to my prayers (literally) was waiting in my bra draw! So the second I found them, I paused and took a deep breath saying to myself ok, this is it. I placed nipple covers over my boob and told him mommy has a boo boo. These were his reactions:
‘Oh no, mommy boo boo. Chichi doctor mommy”
“Mommy I look at chichi boo boo”
“I kiss it all better mommy”
All day I felt so bad but I had to remember my reasons why I’m doing this.
- Sleep- It’s not just my sleep that’s affected (that is something I will sacrifice day in and out for him) It’s his sleep and how much he doesn’t sleep soundly through the night. He is still engaged in the night routine of a new born and I see how it affects his overall being during the day.
- Teeth- It wasn’t until I took him to the dentist 6 months ago and he has decaying teeth. The dentist taught me how common this is in breastfeeding babies and it makes sense as a co-sleeping breastfeeding baby. If he is helping himself throughout the night, the milk remains in his mouth-especially if dream sleeping. Frequent nighttime feeding without brushing afterward can contribute to tooth decay, especially with constant overnight access. So regardless if my son only has natural sugars and brushes his teeth twice a day, he will still get it if he is co-sleeping & breastfeeding.
- Pacifering it- As I mentioned earlier-breastfeeding turns into comfort, reassurance and identity intertwined with the bond between mother and child. No one mentions what that looks like for a stay at home mom. Doing the dishes “chichi” You give him a blue cup when he wants yellow “chichi” Bed time “chichi” Learning time “chichi” Mom is sitting down “chichi” I tell him no “chichi” I’m not sure if your reading this and can relate and I really don’t mean for this to sound selfish? Do I sound selfish? My mind just wonders how I’m able to help him emotionally as he grows.
So of course the guilt began to cut deep and then my mind went from “Am I ruining him? Am I ruining the strong bond we have? Will he love me differently after today? Am I lying to him?” but in reality today he experienced how I still held him,I still showed love for him, I still reassured him, I still comforted him, I still gave him closeness.I provided comfort, reassurance, closeness and routine.
In addition to all of these things I also made sure I did the following consistently throughout the day:
- Every time he asked for chichi, I would show him the “boo boo” and say mommy has a boo boo on chichi. I would then give a choice and say “would you like a hug or some milk”
- I gave him extra hugs randomly and say something like “I love playing cars with you” or “Playing outside is my favorite way of spending time together”
- I acknowledge his feelings because even though he showed more concern than being sad or upset doesn’t mean he didn’t feel it. “I know not having chichi is really hard for you” “Mommy has boo boo on chichi, it’s ok to feel sad or upset”
By the time bedtime came, I kept his routine the same. I did allow extra screen time and kept milk nearby. Every time he would say “Mommy chichi boo boo” I would respond yes, I’m so sorry mommy chichi boo boo. I know not having chichi is hard for you. You are so strong. Do you want some yummy milk?” Can I tell you he has NEVER drank THIS much REGULAR milk EVER?!?!? Can I also tell you after he was finished with his screen time he laid on my chest and fell asleep as I rubbed his back. He hasn’t woken up once yet and it’s 10:15 pm.
Mind you there was a moment where I had to pause for a second time when he began to examine if the “band-aid” came off. Knowing how smart my son is, I told myself this is an all or nothing type of road. If I rip it off he is going to know he has access to it no matter what I do or say. I either rip it off and give him chichi night only (which will disrupt my reasoning on sleep because now he has access to chichi all night OR I do this cold turkey.
I know I can’t allow my emotions to rule my thoughts but I also know as an educator that our current routine wasn’t supporting either of us in the way we need anymore. I think about him having healthy boundaries, emotional regulation, independence, autonomy, confidence. I hope I am not making a mistake but All Glory to God for having me stumble upon an article talking about a burnt out stay at home co sleeping breastfeeding mama, enduring all of the same experiences I was experiencing day in and day out…whose son is ALSO named Leo.
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